Section 5

Keeping all this in mind, then, let us not look around for money, but for gentleness of character, dignity, and chastity. A chaste, gentle, and moderate wife, even if she is poor, will be able to manage poverty better than wealth; but a corrupt, unrestrained, and quarrelsome woman, even if she finds countless treasures stored in the house, will scatter them faster than any wind and surround her husband with countless troubles along with poverty. So let us not seek wealth, but a woman who will make good use of what we have.

First learn what marriage is for and why it was introduced into our life, and demand nothing beyond that. What, then, is the reason for marriage, and why did God give it? Listen to Paul, who says, “Because of sexual immoralities, let each man have his own wife.” He did not say, “To escape poverty,” or, “To gain prosperity.” What did he say? So that we may flee fornication, restrain desire, live together in chastity, please God, and be content with our own wife. This is the gift of marriage, this is its fruit, this is its gain. Do not leave the greater thing behind and seek the lesser, for wealth is far inferior to chastity.

For this one purpose alone a man should take a wife: that we may flee sin and be free from every kind of fornication. Every marriage should be ordered toward this end, so that it may help us toward chastity. And this will happen if we marry women who can bring into our lives great reverence, great chastity, and great gentleness. Physical beauty, when it is not joined to virtue of soul, may captivate a husband for twenty or thirty days, but it will go no farther. Once wickedness shows itself, it destroys all the attraction. But women who shine with the beauty of the soul make their husbands' love warmer as time goes on and as they give proof of their own nobility of character, kindling affection for them all the more. When this is so, and there is warm and genuine friendship between them, every form of fornication is driven away. Not even the thought of sexual immorality enters a man who loves his own wife. He remains continually devoted to her and, through his chastity, draws God's favor and protection upon the whole household.

This is how the noble men of old took wives: they sought nobility of soul, not abundance of money. To show that this is true, I will recall one marriage as an example. Scripture says, “Abraham was old and advanced in days, and he said to the oldest servant of his household, who ruled over all that he had: ‘Put your hand under my thigh, and I will make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and earth, that you will not take a wife for my son Isaac from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, but you shall go to my land, where I was born, and to my family, and take a wife for my son from there.’”

Do you see the righteous man's virtue, and how much care he took over the marriage? He did not call in women acting as procurers, as people do now, nor professional matchmakers, nor old women telling stories. Instead, he entrusted the matter to his own servant. This itself is a very great sign of the patriarch's godliness: he had formed his servant into such a man that he considered him trustworthy enough to minister in so important a matter. And he was looking for a wife who was not wealthy or beautiful, but noble in character. That is why he sent him on such a long journey.

Notice also the servant's good judgment. He did not say, “What is this? There are so many peoples near us, so many daughters of wealthy, distinguished, and prominent men, yet you are sending me to a distant land, to people I do not know. Whom will I speak to? Who will recognize me? What if they plot against me or deceive me? Nothing is so vulnerable as a stranger.” He said none of these things. Passing over all such concerns, he considered precisely what most needed to be considered. By offering no objection he showed his obedience; by asking only the one question that above all needed to be asked, he showed his prudence and foresight.

What was it, then? What did he ask his master? “But if the woman is unwilling to come with me,” he said, “shall I take your son back to the land from which you came?” Abraham replied, “Do not take my son back there. The Lord, the God of heaven and earth, who took me from my father's house and from the land where I was born, who spoke to me and swore to me, saying, ‘To you and to your offspring I will give this land,’ He will send His angel before you and make your journey successful.”

Do you see the man's faith? He did not appeal to friends or relatives or anyone else. He gave God to the servant as mediator and traveling companion. And when he wanted to give his servant confidence, he did not merely say, “The Lord, the God of heaven and earth,” but added, “who took me from my father's house.” Remember, he is saying, how we made so great a journey, how we left our own land and enjoyed greater prosperity in a foreign one, how impossible things became possible. Nor was this the only reason he said, “who took me from my father's house.” He was also saying that he had God as a debtor. “He is indebted to us,” he says, “for He Himself said, ‘To you and to your offspring I will give this land.’ Therefore, even if we are unworthy, for the sake of His own promise and in order to bring it to completion, He will accompany you, make everything before you easy, and bring what we pray for to its proper end.”

Having said this, Abraham sent the servant away. When the servant arrived in that country, he did not approach one of the inhabitants of the city, consult people, or call in women to arrange the match. Notice how, because he too was faithful, he held fast to the Mediator he had been given. He spoke to Him alone. Standing there, Scripture says, he prayed: “Lord, God of my master Abraham, grant me success today.” He did not say, “Lord, my God,” but, “Lord, God of my master Abraham.” “Even if I am insignificant and of no account,” he is saying, “I put my master forward on my behalf. I have not come here to serve myself, but him. Out of regard for his virtue, help me bring this whole task to completion.”