Section 8

During that early period, then, while modesty lies upon her soul like a bridle and keeps her from complaining or objecting to what is being arranged, establish the principles by which you intend the household to live. Once complete familiarity has come, she may speak with much greater freedom and overturn arrangements more readily. What other time is so suitable for forming the habits of a new household as the time when the bride still feels reverence, shyness, and reserve before her husband?

Then set before her the principles of your common life. How can you keep from destroying that modest reserve? By showing that you yourself possess no less modesty than she does: speak sparingly at first, and when you do speak, speak with seriousness and self-control. Then offer her words about the Christian way of wisdom, because her soul is ready to receive them. Establish her in the most beautiful disposition: modesty.

If you wish, I will even give an example of what a husband might say to his wife. If Paul did not shrink from saying, “Do not deprive one another,” speaking words one might expect from someone preparing a marriage—or rather, words belonging to a spiritual soul—much less should we hesitate to speak plainly about married life.

What, then, should you say? Speak with great graciousness:

“My dear, I have taken you as the partner of my life and brought you into my home to share with me in the things most honorable and necessary to us: the bearing and raising of children and the care of our household. What, then, do I ask of you?”

But before even this, speak about your love for her. Nothing helps a hearer receive counsel so much as knowing that it is spoken with deep love. How can you show this love? Say something like:

“I could have married many women, some wealthier and some from more distinguished families, but I did not choose them. I loved you—your way of life, your good order, your gentleness, and your chastity.”

From this, open a path toward speaking about the Christian way of wisdom, and only then criticize the love of wealth. If you launch directly into an attack on money, you will sound harsh. But if the subject arises naturally from your love for her, you can make the point without seeming severe, graceless, or obsessed with small matters. Because the occasion comes from your praise of her, she may even be pleased to hear it.

So continue:

“Although I could have married a rich and prosperous woman, I chose not to. Why? Not carelessly or without reason, but because I was taught that wealth is not a true possession. It is something we should be able to despise, since thieves, prostitutes, and grave robbers can possess it too. I passed these things by and came instead to the virtue of your soul, which I value above all gold. A young woman who is sensible, free in spirit, and devoted to reverence for God is worth the whole world.

“That is why I chose you, why I love you, and why I value you above my own life. This present life is nothing lasting. I pray, I ask God, and I do everything I can so that we may be counted worthy to live this present life in such a way that, in the age to come, we may be together again with complete freedom and security. Our time here is short and passing. But if, by pleasing God, we are counted worthy to complete this life well, then we shall always be with Christ and with one another, with far greater joy.

“I value your love above everything. Nothing would be so hard or painful to me as for us to be divided from one another. Even if I had to lose everything, become poorer than Irus, face the greatest dangers, or suffer anything whatever, I could bear it all so long as things between us remained good. And our children will be especially dear to me while you remain lovingly united with me. But you too must live in the same spirit.”

Then weave the Apostle’s words into what you say: God wills our love to be joined in precisely this way. “Listen to Scripture: ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.’ Let there be no room between us for petty resentment. Let money go, and crowds of servants, and honors from the outside world. This union is more precious to me than all of them.”

What amount of gold or treasure could be more desirable to a wife than words like these? Do not fear that admitting your love will make her arrogant toward you. Tell her that you love her. Courtesans who attach themselves now to one man and now to another might despise a lover who spoke this way, but a free and honorable wife will not be puffed up by such words. Rather, she will be drawn more closely to you.

Show her that you value her companionship greatly and that you would rather be at home with her than continually out in public. Prefer her company to that of all your friends, and even let the children born from her be especially loved by you because of your love for her.

If she does something good, praise and admire it. If she does something foolish of the kind that may occur in youth, counsel her and remind her gently. Continually reject the love of wealth and luxury. Show her instead the beauty that comes from modesty and dignity, and keep teaching what truly benefits the soul.