Section 7

Let us imitate Abraham in this. Let no one reproach another person for poverty, and let no one be in love with money; then many difficulties disappear.

A wife should not say to her husband: “You weak and cowardly man, full of hesitation, laziness, and sleep! Look at so-and-so—a man of low standing and humble birth. He has taken risks, traveled abroad, and made a great fortune. His wife wears gold and rides out with a pair of white mules; she goes everywhere with crowds of servants and a swarm of eunuchs. But you crouch at home and live for nothing.” Let a wife say nothing of this kind.

She is the body, not in order to give orders to the head but to cooperate with and obey it. Someone may ask, “How, then, is she to bear poverty? Where will she find comfort?” Let her look at women poorer than herself. Let her remember how many women of noble family not only received nothing from their husbands but gave their own property and spent it for them. Let her consider the dangers that often accompany wealth, and she may learn to value a quiet life.

Indeed, if she truly loves her husband, she will not speak in the way I described. She will prefer to have him near her even if he earns little rather than possess ten thousand talents of gold while enduring the anxieties and worries that long journeys and business abroad continually bring to wives.

But neither should the husband, because he has authority, respond to such complaints with insults or blows. Let him exhort her and instruct her; let him persuade her with reason when her judgment is immature. He must never raise his hand against her—such behavior is far from a free and noble soul. Nor should there be abuse, reproaches, or reviling. Instead, let him guide her when she is thinking unwisely.

How can this happen? If she learns what true wealth is and the wisdom that comes from above, she will not complain about these things. Let the husband teach her that poverty is not an evil—not only by what he says, but by what he does. Let him teach her to despise empty glory, and then she will neither say nor desire such things.

From the very evening when he receives her into the bridal chamber, let him regard her as something entrusted to his care and begin teaching by example: chastity, gentleness, and a dignified way of life. From the threshold itself let him cast down the love of money. Let him teach her a life of Christian wisdom and counsel her not to make gold ornaments the center of her appearance—gold hanging from the ears, along the cheeks, around the neck, piled through the chamber, or stored up in costly clothing.

Let the home be cheerful and beautiful, but do not let its beauty turn into ostentation. Leave theatrical display to the stage. Adorn the house instead with good order, so that it breathes chastity more than any perfume.

Two or three good things will come from this. First, the bride will not later grieve when the wedding decorations are taken down and borrowed garments, gold objects, and silver vessels are returned to their owners. Second, the bridegroom will not be anxious over losing or guarding accumulated valuables. Third—and this is the greatest benefit—by the wedding itself he will show what kind of life he intends: that he takes no pleasure in such display and that he will likewise remove what belongs with it, allowing neither indecent dancing nor shameful songs.

I know that some people may laugh at me for giving rules like these. But if you listen, as time passes and you experience the benefit, you will understand the gain. The laughter will disappear. You will instead laugh at our present customs and recognize that many wedding practices belong to foolish children and drunken men, while what I am recommending belongs to sobriety, wisdom, and a higher way of life.

What, then, do I say should be done? Remove from the wedding all shameful and satanic songs, indecent singing, and gatherings of disorderly young men. This itself can help form the bride toward chastity. She will immediately think to herself: “What kind of man is this? He lives like a philosopher. He treats this present life as something passing. He has brought me into his house for the bearing and upbringing of children and for the care of the household.”

“But will not these things seem unpleasant to the bride?” Perhaps on the first or second day. After that, no. Rather, she will gain great peace from them because they free her from suspicion. A man who will not tolerate flute players, dancers, or suggestive songs even at his own wedding is unlikely afterward to tolerate shameful behavior or speech.

Then, when you have removed these things from the wedding, receive her and form the life of the household carefully. Preserve her modest reserve for a long time; do not destroy it quickly. Even a bold young woman often knows how to remain quiet for a time because she is shy before her husband and still unfamiliar with her new circumstances.

Do not quickly strip away that modesty, as undisciplined husbands do. Let it remain for a long time. It will be a great advantage to you, because during that period she will not readily quarrel with you or complain about the order you establish.